2020 brought COVID and the following for the FTroop Family from March 2020 to present day…
- The looming decision of where my husband was going to retire. We never thought we would question returning to Louisiana because our plan was to remain in Georgia, our last duty station. (I did indeed tell my realtor to find me a home where my bathroom is downstairs, for when I’m old and fully gray, I will go straight from there to GLORY!)
- An opportunity to move out west for possible job after retirement popped up
- Hubby decided to go back to school for accounting
- Opportunity to return back west: closed
- Stepped down from serving in church high school ministry
- Stepped down from teaching a women’s Bible study in our home
- Started this ministry, To Die Is Gain
- Wrapped up 14 years of homeschooling
- After prayer, decided to make our 16th move back to Lafayette, LA
- Hubby had bouts with gout due to operating at the high tempo of navy life, the stress finally ‘coming off’
- School shopping for three daughters, completing all necessary paperwork, figuring which credits transferred out-of-state and those which didn’t
- Interior renovation of my parents’ previous home purchased in 2014, was completed by my brother-in-law who lived in Mississippi, and traveled to Louisiana while we still lived in Georgia
- Bouts with Gout – the morning movers loaded the van, hubby woke up with another bout with gout, to which I said, “really Lord, You’re kidding me!” followed by an ER stop while driving east on I-10
- Mysterious eye infection which lasted over 6 weeks
- Washing dishes on the green lawn in the back of the house with a hose
- Letting Navy know of retirement with the date changing 3 times
- Letting go of Navy wife role of 24 years
- Adjusting to 3 daughters transitioning to a new home, school, friends in a not-so-very-much transient area where many local French names were difficult to pronounce
- Mourning my mother’s passing nearly four years ago and my father’s passing a little more than one year
- COVID restrictions and the spiritual exhaustion of church shopping – again!
- First time in 25 years of marriage it took us so long to find a church home and how it impacted each of our walks
- The overwhelming challenge and heavy weight of building new relationships, in a new place, with people we do not know us, our character, our family culture – with family, neighbors, church and school all in our first retired location, with no military family support
- Diagnosed with shingles just prior to Christmas which left me on the sofa for more than 2 weeks, leaving me physically weaker than I have ever been.
- On-set of Menopause which brought weight gain, sweats, and huge mood swings
- Process of hubby’s military retirement, deprogramming from military life, and all of its adjustments (to which there should be a military wife survival guide written)
- Oral surgery for teen daughters which brought about an unusual stress level between hubby and I seeing our children in so much pain
- Oldest daughter left for college, which brought about significant changes in family dynamics
- Financial adjustments which accompany every move
- Covid thankfully spread through house in approximately one month
- As of fall of 2021, a year later, we continue to wait on God for the right job for hubby while in the meantime watching my husband’s god-mandated role to work, to be a contributor to his family, to society and more affect his own walk, our marriage and our family culture.
Late summer of 2020 I looked at my handsome hubby and spoke some of the most sobering words about my walk with God: “I don’t know why but I sense the Lord is leading me into a desert. I don’t know if I’ll make it.”
I meant it. I was terrified! It still brings tears to my eyes.
Not even my besties knew the depth of fear I battled heading into fall of 2020. Dark thoughts consumed my mind, the enemy was having a heyday. Along with those dear friends interceding for me, nothing seemed to give. I could hardly talk about it.
Amy sent me a sermon from Pastor John MacArthur which spoke and taught on God handing Jesus over to the devil. What an encouragement, right?! My flesh wanted to get angry and upset at even the Lord, but my Spirit knew it to be true.
Somehow, I knew in the depth of my being if indeed my Adonai (Lord and Savior) had been to the desert, to a lonely place, what in the world, more so, HOW in the world, could I even think that I, His servant, am above this very thing? If our Lord battled in the desert, who do we think we are that we will not also?!
Even the Apostle Paul instructs Timothy to be strong and exhorts him to…
“Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.”
2 Tim. 2:3
I was in a season of ‘the let down’ of much hardship while still trekking through it quite frankly. Every ounce of zeal for serving in the Lord’s Army was gone. Interestingly, just prior to leading up to COVID closing most churches down, I was losing a desire to serve. I began talking to the Lord about how utterly drained I was.
This season was new territory for me! Amy was in new territory in our friendship as well – “Come on girl, where is your confidence, Claire? Confidence in Christ?!” All I could answer was – “It’s gone.” Then cry, “Why Lord! What is happening? I know You are allowing this, oh Father help me!”
Twenty-four years of Navy service, sixteen moves and various roles of serving in and out of church while managing the homefront left me worn out, extremely exhausted, physically beat, and spiritually downtrodden! The smallest of tasks and commitments were monumentous to complete. Someone recently shared with me that I am probably still dealing with PTSD with the unknown of possibly moving again if no job comes available for the hubby. I recently knew it to be true after a small room renovation, had me moving a couple of pieces of furniture and I cried.
At the time, I simply felt – NUMB.
Physically NUMB. Spiritually NUMB. Mentally NUMB.
No apt word spoken from dear friends seemed to satisfy and encourage me in the deepest parts of my soul. The taste of God’s Word described in Psalm 119:103 tasted anything but like honey. It simply fell from the pages. This too, as a lover of God’s very Word, the Bible, seemed to not be once as sweet as it was. “Oh Lord help me!” I cried.
Looking back, He was helping. I couldn’t see it, certainly could not feel it, yet with the smallest amount of faith I had I continued to ask in desperation – help me! Afterall, I had experiential knowledge of previous trials, where He faithfully was my HELPER!
My closest friends reminded me of God’s grace and this being a season of rest. Before I accepted the words – rest and season, I was angry and resentful. God allowed bitterness to wage war with my soul as a newly retired Navy spouse. Deep regrets, unresolved relationships and conversations spanned nearly one end of the globe to the other with people God Sovereignly allowed in my life.
There was nothing to pull from my pocket or words of practical wisdom which anyone shared with me as a warning to heed upon retirement, not only for me, but for my husband to walk through as well and as a couple. As husband and wife, we were walking through new territory. Walking through all the above, though together, was indeed taking a toll.
I read The Word and the Holy Spirit was present. He was my comfort. The book of Psalms and truth gleaned from my Charles Spurgeon devo Morning and Evening was my comfort.
In my bitterness, anger, and unanswered questions, Jesus remained. I battled thoughts of “being too much for some people and was told I’m so emotional.” Yet Jesus never got tired of me.
“Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might he increases power.”
Isaiah 40:28-29
In His time, He would prove to me again in my life that He is INEXHAUSTIBLE. But I wasn’t there yet…and the word “weary” would soon take on an entirely new meaning.
