In addition to the bullet point list of personal trials during this season, God mysteriously allowed other sins to rise to the surface I had battled years prior and found victory in overcoming. However, now they seemed to loom over me daily, peeling back another painful layer of experiences and so-called failures so large and crippling.
I was battling depression in my flesh. I could barely function. I knew I had the assurance of my salvation. I did not simply have head knowledge nor did I only have an emotional experience, but I distinctly remember surrendering my volition, my will to Christ, making Him Lord of my life.
I looked back and clearly saw a transformation. Christ had changed my life. I didn’t turn to a pill. In my study of Old Testament saints, I recalled how many of them asked for the Lord to take their life – they were done –they were depressed. In fact, most recently I shared with a dear friend that if the saints of old had lived during our time many of them would have been labeled as battling mental issues. Somehow, the Holy Spirit recalling years of previous studies brought some comfort.
On the deepest level of what I can try to describe, this was godly sorrow – godly repentance. It is a work only the Holy Spirit can bring about. I’ve experienced this deep work at various times in my walk with God. This type of sorrow brings one to a place, where the only thing one can do is look up – where all I can do is sit in God’s loving, undeserved grace and mercy to me as a sinner through the personhood of Jesus Christ Himself.
I was being drawn TO JESUS HIMSELF! TO HIS HEART!
The most gentle, understanding, forgiving individual in my entire life.
Humans fail us – they were never made to be inexhaustible, right?! Yet, isn’t it strange we have to review this lesson over and over in life?! Well, at least for this slow learner.
No husband, relative, friend, even sister in Christ, was ever created to become yours and mine all sufficient ONE. Despite what Michael Buble’s song “Everything” says: “You’re every line, you’re every word, you’re everything!”
To put it plainly – no one ain’t yo everything! And we ain’t anyone’s everything! Can I get an AMEN?! What pressure to be someone’s everything. Goodness, certainly y’all are raising your children to not be their everything. If so, we’ve got to chat.
Rein it in Claire….
I felt broken beyond repair, by my own sin, shame, and mistake. Yet, the Holy Spirit would simply remind me of the efficacy of Christ’s work on my behalf. I knew my sins were forgiven, but this recent resurgence of the darkest, most heinous of sins was crippling. Daily, even throughout the day to overcome the mental battle going on, I had to preach truth to myself! There would be hours where I had relief, then the darkness would come. I knew (you know the kind of “know and knowledge” that bolsters your faith?) I knew Christ was interceding for me. It was a promise from the Word of God –
“He always lives to make intercession for them.”
Hebrews 7:25
Christ Himself was my consolation.
The sinless, yet bruised and broken body, given over to death that we might not ever taste death, risen Savior, seated at the right hand of God, who never flinched once at what I brought to Him.
Amy and other close friends received many texts saying, “Please pray!” So again and again, I would recall the truth, mull over it throughout the day. They were most patient, concerned, and gave me some space.
God wooed and drew me to Himself.
- God chose me. (1 Pet 2:9)
- God called me. (Rom 8:28)
- God forgave me, redeemed me. (Eph 1:7)
- Christ’s blood has brought me near the Father through reconciliation. (Eph 2:13)
- He sealed me with the Holy Spirit. (Eph 1:13)
- He is a Covenant making God. (Gal 3:16-17)
- He tore the curtain from the top to the bottom. (Mat 27:51)
- I am blessed because my transgressions are forgiven (Ps 32:1)
- It is HE who will complete the good work He has begun to do in me. (Phil 1:6)
It was a time of deeper pruning.
Irresistible grace calls one to the gentleness of Jesus. In contrast to His sinless self, He seeks to heal the sinner who continues to sin here on earth until we are forever home with Him.
During those days, all I wanted was to be in the arms of my Lord where I would never be separated from Him, totally accepted, and never have to battle sin ever again, to be absent from this world and to rest in His presence! I hated this world and living in it was proof according to God’s Word that I was His child – born for eternal purposes. This place was not my home – I seemed to fit in nowhere. Nothing sufficed. No relationship, no favorite food, meal, snack, outfit, yet not even a sermon packed with truth…nothing appeased my appetite for the presence of The Word Himself.
Come Lord Jesus, Come!
As excruciatingly painful as it was to see the dross of my own heart rise to the surface, to mourn the sin which put my Savior on the cross, and see the sins of America rise like never before (lies, lawlessness, hate, discord, murders, etc.), it strangely all struck me with a profound level of grief.
Approximately the tenth year of service to our nation as a military spouse was the turning point of the acute awareness of the depth of gratitude for the nation I was born in. Gratitude was truly worked out in my life through the physical, mental, and spiritual sacrifice, and practically speaking, loading and unloading of hundreds of boxes. Only in the later years of service was I able to see how even those lessons were being worked out through the sacrifice in my teen children and elementary school child.
It is a heavy heart that many career military spouses carry.
But now, in this season I was in as a retired navy spouse, a great shift was taking place in the heavenlies (Eph 6:12) above America and it was paramount! The more I spoke with believers who treasured God’s Word, read it, studied it, and sought to live by it, who knew the character of their God and what they believed, they too talked about this level of warfare and the struggle in their day to day walk with God. I was not alone! It was both a relief to find this out and yet baffling with so many of us struggling.
Whether it was the grievance of my sin, working through bitterness as a navy spouse, the shame of starting this ministry, slowing it down, starting it, slowing down again, and having to allow it to come to a near screeching halt, the utter exhaustion of the recovery from events once we arrived in Louisiana, the alarming increasingly downward spiral decline in leadership in our government, and to see it’s trickling affects upon our country….
CHRIST NEVER FLINCHED
though it felt as though my faith were failing me…
sadness
anger
bitterness
shame
grief stricken state…
Christ remained!
Why wouldn’t He? For HE Authored this gift of faith.
Why wouldn’t He? For HIS job is to Perfect this gift of faith.
Heb 12:2
I continued to wake up, meet with Him, pray as best as I could, read His Word, though so, so dry, and read my favorite devotional by Charles Spurgeon.
Some days it was difficult to breathe. When I read the Living Book, the great mirror, my Bible – even with the Holy Spirit living inside of me – it seemed to continue to fall from the pages, with barely any comfort, but I pressed on. In previous dark seasons, there was always a source of comfort much deeper than this one. I persevered and did what I was taught and discipled to do – keep on reading, keep on meeting with my Savior Jesus Christ.
Have you had a similar experience?
Well, stay tuned my friend…
